30 Days of Heart: Day 9

Double header a day late!

Ok, ok so no longer will I promise a double header to catch up or apologize when I don’t because it is just hard.  I do not know how pro bloggers put out so much content all the time. So, that being said there may or may not be a double header today to catch up from yesterday. Also, there will be 30 days of Heart by Jan 32nd for sure haha. (That was a joke cause I said no promises). I will post as often as I can.

back to the awesome subject of depression and Anxiety

I read day 8 and I wanted to clarify a few things.  I never wanted or intended to bad mouth pastors on mental health subjects.  So many of them are awesome (mine included) that admit you may want to consult a doc over them on certain subjects. Also, many of them are correct when they say go to the word.  Many of us bypass the word of God altogether and then say God doesn’t work and go to alternative remedies.  God should be our first stop.  Sometimes God actually speaks through Doctors (blasphemy lol) so know when I speak of my issues it is not a knock on the profession and calling of ministers but know if a pastor says you are to blame that is a lame excuse.

My hope here is to say I am on a journey of self discovery and growth and want to share with you if it helps.  Not everyone is in the same boat though. What works for me may not work for you, which is why it is important to have Godly counsel, or smart non peers if you not a Christian reading this.

(A side note on this blog, I am a Christian so sometimes I will come from that perspective but also know not everyone is one. My hope with his blog is not to offend you or convert you but I will not shy from being who I am or whose I am to gain an audience. I hope we have a great understanding on that subject)

tell us the juice already!

So March of 2015 was Liberty month which I helped oversee.  We had missions, outreach, and evangelism focus.  Also, I should point out I had a five month old who was teething, and not sleeping.  With a combo of me not sleeping and a huge increase in work load. I hit a breaking point.  Not one I knew of at all but was brewing inside.  I had always been brought up to work hard and take what comes at you without complaint. After weeks of little sleep with way way, did I say WAY to much caffeine to keep me going I awoke from sleep at 4 am in extreme chest pain that I had never experienced before. I am not talking about bad heart burn it was equated by the doc later to a false heart attack. I woke up my wife and told her I love her I am dying and having a heart attack. We live 30 min from the closest hospital so I knew the odds were severely against me.

She calmly went through the symptoms of a heart attack and while that is what I felt and just knew I was having she simply said just breath deep and get some rest we will go to doc in the morning. WHAT I was like woman are you asleep this is really happening.

We go to doc do all the tests and it came back that I had my first major anxiety attack.  I have had small bouts of anxiety in the past but nothing that did this. She put me on a med and walked me through a convo that brought both freedom and shame at the same time.

Freedom, in the sense that I wasn’t wrong in thinking stuff had been brewing for years and that I was finally going to get real help.  It brought on shame because I was in ministry and ministers shouldn’t need anxiety and depression meds. I felt like a fake at the same time I was praying and seeing people around me get healed of all sorts of ailments. ( I even prayed for a man’s dog whose tumor shrank in front of me) I didn’t have the so called faith for God to heal me, or else why would I take meds.

I reluctly shared my struggles and and shame with a small group of people and to my surprise they were either all on or had taken the same meds I was on at one point.

Why did I keep this to myself for months before saying something? My take is the enemy wants to keep me in bondage and feeling like I am alone in this battle. I finally knew I wasn’t alone but that was just part of the battle.  It was a crucial one though, because it gave me the strength and support to start a journey that there was no looking back on.  I am moving forward into Freedom.  I am not compeletly there but now I know I am not a fake to go do what God has called me to, while not comepetly there.

We are all on a journey and we have a great future, the only way we fail is if we stop trying.

That being said,

My name is Johnny and I am on a journey to Get, Grow in, and Give my heart. Will you come with me?

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